


The business of dealing with Elves (oneshot)

by vala411



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: A whole lot of moose, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:53:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24127702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vala411/pseuds/vala411
Summary: Escaping from discovery in Thranduil’s palace and rescuing 13 grumpy dwarves is simple if you’re a burglar. What could possibly go wrong?
Kudos: 12





	The business of dealing with Elves (oneshot)

**The business of dealing with Elves**

_**AN: A oneshot challenge between Harrypanther and I.** _

_**Plot: Escaping from discovery in Thranduil’s palace and rescuing 13 grumpy dwarves is simple if you’re a burglar. What could possibly go wrong?** _

_**Minimum of 4000 words.** _

Escaping from discovery in Thranduil’s palace and rescuing 13 grumpy dwarves seemed to be a simple task if you’re a Burglar, Bilbo reasoned. Only he wasn’t a Burglar, he was a very respectable gentlehobbit, never having burgled a thing in his life except for a few dozen of farmer Maggot’s mushrooms when he had been a tween. Mushroom thievery just didn’t seem to measure up to the task at hand and with a shaky breath Bilbo, still invisible due to his ring, made his way into the dungeons where the dwarves were being kept. First, he had to see if they were alright, and then he had to make up a plan to get them out, that is if he didn’t get caught and thrown in as well or worse….. Executed.

As Bilbo made his way down the stairs to the cells his stomach growled. It was a very loud grumble and he stilled, scared that someone might have heard him. He waited for a few seconds before continuing his journey. Absent-mindedly he patted his stomach while muttering “There There”. He wasn’t going to lie. He was cold, he was tired, he was thirsty and most of all he was hungry. Getting lost in an enchanted forest for nearly a week or more, using up most provisions, and then subsequently getting captured by Elves because they disturbed their Autumn feast was not his cup of tea and oh, what he wouldn’t give to have a plate of blueberry scones set in front of him right now. ‘If even Lobelia came skipping towards him with platters of food,’ he wryly thought ‘he’d probably be persuaded to part with the key to Bag End for them.’

The first cell Bilbo reached had Kili in it. He took off his ring momentarily and whispered to get the Dwarf’s attention.

“Bilbo?!” Kili’s head whipped around so fast and Bilbo had to make a shushing sound as to not attract too much attention. “What are you doing here?”

“Hopefully getting you lot out,” Bilbo whispered. “Are you guys alright?”

“I think so but I’m not so sure about Bombur,” The young Dwarf answered. Bilbo nodded before he went to the next cell which housed Balin. The elderly dwarf inside merely raised an eyebrow at Bilbo and then a nod as if he was expecting the Hobbit. Fili and Gloin were placed in one cell and Bilbo was happy to discover that Oin had been placed with Bombur.

“How’s Bombur doing?” Bilbo asked knowing that when they got captured the portly Dwarf had just woken up from the enchanted sleep after falling in that river.

“Oh he’ll be fine,” Oin assured in a low voice. “Can ya get us out of here?”

“I’ll have to find the keys first,” Bilbo muttered and then his eyes widened as he heard shouts coming his way. He slipped backwards from Oin’s cell and put his ring on once he was out of sight in a small niche. Two Elfguards were dragging Thorin to a cell who was shouting curses at them in Khazdul. At least Bilbo thought it was Khazdul, he couldn’t understand it either way.

“Did he offer you a deal?” Balin asked as the other Dwarves looked at Thorin who after being locked up looked quite frazzled.

“He did. I told him he could go _ishkh khakfe andu null_. Him and all his kin!” Thorin uttered causing Balin to let out a sigh. Bilbo didn’t stay long in his hiding place afterwards, especially when he noticed Dwalin looking at the niche he disappeared in. He didn’t think the Dwarf would say anything but he got out of there before anyone questioned where he was. He was sure those that had seen him would discreetly, as discreetly as Dwarves could be, let the others know he was trying to get them out. First, he had to find the keys.

Finding the keys seemed to be much harder than Bilbo originally suspected. First, he had actually gotten lost and ended up back in the throne room. He’d almost got discovered as Tauriel had strode past him while speaking to the Elven-king. Bilbo didn’t stay long in one place. He vanished from the throne room while being as quiet as a mouse. Then he got lost again, ending up in the armory and then in the cellars. Still no key found. Bilbo was tired and he stumbled upon the kitchens by accident. Well, he stumbled upon the doors to the kitchen which were guarded by two Elves with spears that were better left out of reach of Bilbo’s body.

“Why in Yavanna’s name is the kitchen so well guarded?!” Bilbo murmured as he hid behind a pillar. His stomach chose that moment to grumble.

“Did you hear something?” One of the Elven guards asked. Bilbo clamped a hand over his mouth and slid down the pillar. He knew they couldn’t see him but still….

The other guard must have shrugged as no other voice was heard. Bilbo let out a sigh of relief and scampered out of that particular hallway. He would find food somewhere else.

That proved harder than he thought and it was around night time that he finally got a chance to get some food. Well, not food per se. He managed to slip into one of the ornate rooms and saw a vase of fresh white flowers. The flowers he recognized as they also appeared to grow in the Shire and he knew they were edible. They had a slightly sweet taste to them as Bilbo happily ate the petals. When he had devoured the bouquet he finally looked around the huge room. It looked well lived in and Bilbo gulped. He hadn’t given that much thought and now was probably going to be discovered. No sooner had Bilbo thought that when the door opened. Bilbo looked over his shoulder and had to stifle a horrific shout. He was luckily still invisible and dashed to hide under the large four-poster bed.

The Hobbit kept his mouth covered as he watched Thranduil come into the room and stretch. “What in the….” he heard the Elf muttered and saw him look at the petal-less flowers on the table. ‘This was it,’ Bilbo thought. He was going to get caught and be hanged or what-ever form of execution there was for eating the Elven-king’s flowers and sneaking into the palace. Though that never came as all Thranduil did was mutter about “Legolas and his pranks again,”. Bilbo stayed under the bed for the whole night, too afraid to move an inch as the lights went out after an hour.

The next day Bilbo woke up with a stiff neck but luckily the room was empty. He made his escape and set about exploring the rest of the palace in search of that key.

Being invisible was a good thing in his situation but the Hobbit found the darkness enveloping him to leave a tingle up his spine that promised nothing good at all. By luck, he stumbled upon a dining room where a lot of Elves were congregating for breakfast. The food smelled heavenly and Bilbo sneaked in to see if he could get some without being caught.

“Did you hear the Dwarves shouting all night?” Bilbo heard asked at one of the tables as several Elves laughed.

“It’s not like it will help any. They aren’t getting out,” One of the Elves smirked as he dangled a ring of iron keys in front of the others.

“Galion shouldn’t you have handed those keys over to Elros already?” A female Elf asked with a frown. The male Elf, Galion, merely laughed and then uttered “I’ll hand them over later. So what if Elros doesn’t feed them for a while. It’s not like anyone would care.”

Bilbo saw red and his hands clenched into a fist. He committed the man’s face to memory and then before even he could blink, threw a roll of bread with great accuracy at the offending object, a.k.a Galion. The Elf was shocked to be hit on the head and looked around the room to see who threw it. Bilbo, realizing what he had done fled as the Elf asked loudly who had the audacity to even do that. It seemed getting that key wasn’t going to be easy.

When Bilbo had stopped fleeing he found himself in a type of stable. The roof, much like the rest of the palace, had a high-vaulted ceiling. There were horses in the stable as well as a gigantic elk. The deer looked right at where Bilbo stood causing the Hobbit to gulp. There were voices not so far away and Bilbo ducked behind a bale of hay.

“So you’re expected to clean out the stalls daily,” Two elves could be heard nearby.

“Even that one?” Another voice asked that appeared to sound younger. Bilbo peered over the hay bale to see two stable boys. One must be new he mused. The stall that the Elf seemed to be pointing to was the one housing the elk.

“No, His Majesty’s mount doesn’t like anyone save for His Majesty and the head foreman. Not even the Prince can get close,” The other Elf stated. “You leave that one alone. It has a temper.”

“Oh and keep THAT away from the elk,” Bilbo’s head whipped around just in time to see the Elf point to several bags. “They go crazy for this stuff. Last time it took several guards to stop it.”

The newcomer nodded vigorously and Bilbo waited for the pair to leave. A little revenge plan was forming in his mind as he set off to the dungeons again.

“Psstt… Ori,” Bilbo whispered. He had to be extremely careful since the woman, Tauriel, was close by and it seemed Kili was…… flirting with her. At that Bilbo had raised a brow and he figured Thorin wouldn’t be all that happy to hear that particular bit of news.

“Bilbo?” Ori muttered as he came to the bars. “Where are you?”

“That doesn’t matter right now,” Bilbo whispered. “What matters right now is me getting you guys some food. And for that, I will need to break into the kitchens.”

“What?” Ori asked, confused. “What about the keys?”

“That……. That may take a while.” Bilbo sighed. “The keys are being passed off but one Elf just rubbed me the wrong way,” At this Ori raised a brow. “So tell me, I saw a herd of moose roaming around near the palace grounds. Would what work on elks work on moose?”

“Bilbo you know moose and elks are…..” Ori muttered, “Well technically they are related…. I guess whatever you’re planning could work. Wait… what are you going to do?”

“Just to get you lot some food. There was talk of starving you. No no, that just won’t do,” Bilbo smirked and if any other Hobbit saw him they would say he looked very Tookish right now. Nothing good ever came from that.

Ori merely blinked and wondered at Bilbo’s statement. He knew Hobbits valued a good meal or seven and he guessed the thought of the Elves starving them might have just set Bilbo out on a warpath. Ori had absolutely no data for what was to happen next but much later in his chronicles, he would add a note next to the Hobbit chapters, that any form of withholding food from those they cared about resulted in wrath that would have made Mahal proud. Bilbo’s petty revenge then might have possibly resulted in the young Dwarf actually feeling some measure of pity for the poor Elves. Just some.

Bilbo was gone in seconds afterwards and Ori sat back on his cot. The Hobbit made his way back to the stables, muttering to himself. He was mainly making up a list of the Elves that he had to get back at. At the top of said list was none other than Thranduil, followed by Galion. Several other guards had also been added to his mental list.

In the stables he smirked as he opened one of the bags that the stablehands had expressly forbidden the newcomer from feeding to the elk. ‘This will be fun’ the Hobbit thought as he stole a sack of the stuff.

Within the next hour or so chaos reigned in the palace as a herd of moose stampeded into the hallways. They acted drunk on the stuff Bilbo had given them and the Hobbit smirked as nearly all the guards were called to deal with the situation, including those guarding the kitchens. When the guards left Bilbo saw his chance to sneak in and raid the Elven pantry with great efficiency. It was no small feat to sneak out of the palace while invisible and then sneak back in even as chaos unfolded so Bilbo considered that a big accomplishment. With enough food now stowed away in a hiding place, he had found, he brought some to the Dwarves who were all leaning against the bars and listening to the Elves shout obscenities in Sindarin as the herd of moose wreaked havoc.

“What in Mahal’s name,” Dwalin muttered with a frown as he craned his head to try and get a better look at several guards rushing upstairs.

“Moose, just a lot of moose,” Bilbo said coming up next to him causing the bald Dwarf to actually flinch in shock. Dwalin looked at the Hobbit with suspicion as he hadn’t even heard him approach. When Gandalf had mentioned that Hobbits tended to be light on their feet he didn’t think they would have ever been able to sneak upon him. Slowly Dwalin started to reevaluate their Hobbit companion. “Here take this,” Bilbo said as he handed several items of food to the Dwarf. Dwalin blinked down at the greens and a piece of smoked fish he was handed.

“Oh don’t look at me like that,” Bilbo huffed. “Do you know how hard it is to find meat in this place?”

The Dwarf watched Bilbo walk a bit further down to Thorin’s cell and realized that his arms had been laden with food. Mostly green bits, but food nevertheless. Dwalin could only hear muffled words being spoken between the Hobbit and Thorin and later Bilbo stormed past while muttering “confounded stubborn dwarf,” before vanishing again.

Bilbo so dearly wanted to hit Thorin on the head with one of the vegetables. Preferably the tomatoes but he refrained as he tried to explain that; no, he did not have the keys yet, no, escaping through the front door would be a terrible idea, suicidal in fact, and no, moose might be good for raiding a kitchen but it still left a lot of guards at their posts. Too many in Bilbo’s opinion. To make a clean getaway they needed another route.

Bilbo found himself back in the throne room, still invisible, he glared at Thranduil who was reading some type of report on his throne. There was some fruit on a plate at a nearby table. Bilbo was getting peckish as he had missed several of his meals already so he sneaked over and started eating. At this moment he really could care less if the Elven-king got hungry.

As Bilbo was eating he heard a knock on the large wooden doors causing Thranduil to look up from the report he had been so absorbed in. Bilbo, who had eaten more than half the plate of fruit, slinked back behind a pillar, more out of habit even though he was invisible, as Galion entered.

“I assume the situation is handled,” Thranduil stated more than asked.

Galion bowed slightly and then said “It is your Majesty. The damages are in the report we have given you along with how many guards are unfortunately out of commission. There is only one issue left,”

Here Bilbo observed the Elven-king raise an elegant brow which prompted Galion to continue. “Due to all the chaos, one of the moose managed to slip away and find its way to the stables where……” Here Galion paused to see the King’s reaction. When all he was met with was stoney silence he continued “where it proceeded to take a liking to your mount Milord. We were hesitant to remove it when it became apparent that your mount expressed equal interest,”

Silence reigned in the throne room before Thranduil responded with “Let them be. We have more important matters to attend to.”

“Yes Sire,” Galion acknowledged though Bilbo could see the surprise in his eyes.

“According to this report we’ve lost more than one pantry of food,” The Elven-king said. “Tell me, was this moose incursion at fault for that?” It was here that Bilbo gulped.

“The kitchen staff believes so,” Galion answered. “Though they hadn’t seen a moose enter it is unlikely that there is any other culprit. One or two must have slipped into our stores by the amount that is missing.”

“Speaking of food Galion,” The King then said “I have another report here from Elros. To my surprise, you haven’t handed over the keys to the dungeons yet.” Bilbo observed the glare that had been leveled at Galion. “Elros proceeded to state that through no fault of his own was he unable to deliver the food to our prisoners due to being unable to open the cells.” Bilbo’s opinion of that one Elven guard actually rose. At least he knew not all of them would agree to deprive the Company of food. Bilbo mused that that guard seemed to be of the good sort and promptly placed him off his revenge list.

“Sire, they are but Dwarves,” Galion stated. “Who cares if they starve a bit,”

“I care not for Dwarves,” Thranduil announced “But whether my prisoners starve or not is up to my sole discretion. You had no right to make that call.”

“Apologies Sire,” Galion said as the Elven-king ordered him to release the keys to Elros.

“You have other things to worry about than Dwarves,” Thranduil said. “We need to replenish our food stock if we want to have a successful Mereth Nuin Giliath,” Here Bilbo frowned. He wondered what that meant but he did now know they needed food and lots of it. Ideas began to form in his head as he continued to listen in on the meeting.

When Galion left the throne room Bilbo had an idea of what this Mereth Nuin Giliath, or the Feast of Starlight, entailed. It seemed to be some sort of feast the Elves would have in about two months' time in the Palace and for that they needed a lot of food and wine.

As the days progressed Bilbo had observed several things. Due to the moose stampede the guards at the kitchens had been relocated while their brethren healed up. Getting trampled by deer was not a pretty picture. Bilbo felt slightly sorry for that. A lot of the Elven guards had only been following orders after all but he needed to eat and this made raiding the kitchens a whole lot easier. Another thing he observed was that Galion loved his drink. Often after he was done with work he would make his way down to the cellars to get some wine. This was also where Bilbo found the perfect escape route. While following Galion around as the Elf had access to most places he observed the guards bringing in more barrels of wine while sending the empty barrels out of the palace through a trapdoor in the floor. The keys were still out of his reach though as Elros was a surprisingly vigilant and paranoid guard. The keys were always kept on his person and he checked if he had them every one or two hours by patting his side.

Bilbo sighed in frustration as the days passed. The dwarves were beginning to lose hope of ever reaching the mountain before Durin’s day and while Bilbo now had a solid plan to get them out it would be cutting it close.

There were still several days till the feast and Bilbo was growing nervous and bored. He was nervous because he had spent days devising his plan. It was a good plan he thought but that still didn’t calm him. And over the weeks stuck in Thranduil’s palace had made him also grow bored. He had explored every nook and cranny and was now quite certain he could navigate the palace like a long time resident. He had also taken to messing with both the Elven-king and Prince on occasion. The Elves would later learn that a bored Hobbit was a pain in the behind as he had so much time on his hands to start several projects.

One such project happened to involve the leftover ‘deernip’ he had stolen. Bilbo had no clue what it actually was called but he managed to press some fluid out of it. He then mixed it with water to dilute it and set about spraying it over the clothes belonging to both King and Prince. The results, if he had to say so himself, were frankly hilarious. It was just too bad the dwarves weren’t here to witness this as well. Legolas, as he found out the Prince was called, had gone scouting one morning while wearing the tampered clothing and really he couldn't wear anything else because Bilbo had doused his entire wardrobe with the stuff. As the Prince passed several moose grazing in the area he got their attention. Soon they were upon him, sniffing, licking, purring….. That caused the Hobbit to raise a brow. The Prince could hardly move before a moose got in his way and it took several guards to help extricate him from what surely looked like a pileup.

As for Thranduil…. Well, the King proceeded to wear the clothing to the stables, probably to get his mount, when the elk and it’s moose paramour decided to eat said King’s cloak. Bilbo noted that the Elven-king’s eye twitched as the moose got far too close to his hair as he would have liked.

Bilbo struck again on the eve of the Feast just to give Thranduil a headache and drive him up the wall. He, for once gleefully channeled his inner Lobelia minus the skirts and parasol, and stole every single piece of silverware. EVERY. SINGLE. PIECE.

The bellow of “WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE HAVE NO SILVERWARE?!” that came out of the throne room was like music to Bilbo’s ears. He’d of course return the silverware, after he and the dwarves made their escape, by sticking a parchment onto Thranduil’s cushion with the location of said objects. Though the King would probably only find said parchment somewhere late in the night when they were long gone.

Slinking down to the wine cellar was relatively easy as most of the palace inhabitants, guards included, were at the feast. Terribly sloppy in Bilbo’s opinion. So many of the guards getting drunk. Though he wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth. He was behind several wine barrels when he heard the discussion between Galion, another guard whose name was Lethuin, and Elros.

“Galion, you old rogue! We’re running out of drink,” Lethuin replied happily, gesturing for Galion to help fill up their mugs, and Bilbo noted that he was already intoxicated.

“These empty barrels should have been sent to Esgaroth hours ago. The party has been waiting for them,” Elros remarked and Bilbo noted that he was the sober one out of the three. Oh this wouldn’t do. But then Bilbo’s saviour came in the form of Lethuin’s coaxing.

“Say what you like about our ill-tempered King; he has excellent taste in wine. Come, Elros, try it,” Lethuin replied as he held out a third mug for the guard to take.

Bilbo who spotted the prison cell keys in Elros’ hand heard the guard mutter “I have the dwarves in my charge.”

“They’re locked up, where can they go?” Lethuin scoffed and proceeded to take the keys to the cells from Elros and hang them up on the nearby wall. Bilbo took his chance to nab the keys as the Elves got progressively drunker after Elros gave in. He tiptoed his way past the three and up the stairs to the cells. Time for the great escape.

Later Bilbo had realized he had forgotten to take one factor into account; He didn’t know how to swim.

**The End**


End file.
